Coping with Grief: A Step-by-Step Guide Through Loss
Whether it be a spouse, parent, child, or pet, experiencing the loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult challenges we can face in our lifetime. Grief is a personal journey that doesn't follow a set path and differs for everyone. But this guide provides steps to help you navigate the initial shock and the weeks and months that follow.
The Immediate Hours After a Loss
Right after a loss, feelings can range from deep sadness to numbness due to shock. It's important to let yourself process these feelings at your own pace.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel the Shock
Grief expert Dr. William Worden describes in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, how our brains enter a protective state after a loss, often manifesting as numbness or disbelief. This is normal and allows the mind time to gradually process the reality of the situation.
Don't force yourself to feel a certain way; let your emotions come naturally.
If you feel detached, gently acknowledge it rather than trying to elicit specific feelings.
Strategy Grounding with Sensory Anchors
Grounding with sensory anchors is a way to help you stay connected to the present moment, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed by grief. It involves using your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—to bring yourself back to now instead of getting lost in sadness.
For example, if you’re really missing someone, you might hold something that reminds you of them, like their favorite sweater and feeling the fabric. You can wrap yourself in a warm blanket and look at a photo of your loved one. Seeing their smile can help remind you of good times together.
Using these sensory anchors can make it easier to cope with your feelings. When grief feels too heavy, focusing on what’s around you can be calming. It helps ground you, making the pain feel a bit more manageable. Remember, it's okay to take things one step at a time. Grounding techniques are tools to guide you through tough moments while honoring your memories.
2. Focus on Your Breathing
Breathing exercises can provide immediate relief from overwhelming emotions. The Physiological Sigh, a technique studied in neuroscience, helps regulate stress responses, lower cortisol levels and reduce panic, which can be common in the initial hours after loss. It involves:
Taking a deep, slow breath in through your nose.
Adding a quick second inhale through your nose.
Slowly exhaling through your mouth.
3. Accept Support, Even in Small Ways
Expressing emotions immediately after a loss can be hard. Instead of forcing conversations, consider non-verbal support:
Let a trusted person sit with you in silence.
If talking is too difficult, send a simple message like, "I need someone here, but I don’t want to talk."
Small gestures, like a hand on your shoulder or a warm meal, can be comforting without words.
The First 24-72 Hours After a Loss
As reality sets in, emotions may become stronger. This time often involves tasks like informing family and planning funerals, which can feel overwhelming.
1. Take Small Steps to Maintain Stability
Grief can make everyday tasks seem impossible. Instead of trying to function normally, focus on small actions. Small actions can create a sense of movement without overwhelming you.
✔ Stand up and stretch for a short time.
✔ Drink a glass of water.
✔ Change into fresh clothes, even if you're staying home.
✔ Start with the smallest tasks first.
2. Engage in "Companioning" Instead of Traditional Talk Therapy
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a pioneer in grief counseling, suggests in his book Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers, that traditional therapy is not always the best immediate response to grief. Instead, companioning can be more effective.
Spend time with someone who lets you express emotions at your own pace, without trying to "fix" anything.
Do quiet activities together, like listening to music, journaling, or walking.
Non-verbal connections, such as a hug or holding hands, can be as healing as talking.
3. Use "Grief Touchpoints" to Manage Sudden Waves of Emotion
Sudden feelings of sadness can be unsettling. Setting specific times for grieving can help.
Set aside five minutes in the morning and evening to cry, look at photos, or journal.
This helps manage emotions so they don't feel overwhelming throughout the day.
The First Week After a Loss
During this time, the full weight of the loss may be felt. As the initial shock fades, daily routines can feel empty, and loneliness may set in.
1. Engage in Rhythmic Movement to Help Process Emotions
Studies have shown that rhythmic, repetitive actions (like walking, drumming, or rocking) can calm the nervous system and aid in processing emotions.
Take a slow, mindful walk outdoors.
Gently tap your fingers or foot to a steady rhythm.
Sit in a rocking chair while listening to calming music.
2. Try the "Empty Chair Method" for Unfinished Conversations
If you feel there are things left unsaid, the Empty Chair Method can provide closure. This method, often used in grief counseling, helps release emotional tension.
Sit across from an empty chair
Imagine your loved one is there
Speak openly to them, expressing regrets, gratitude, or memories.
The First Few Weeks After a Loss
As life moves forward, grief can feel unpredictable. Some days might seem manageable, while others feel unbearable. This back-and-forth is normal. Finding small ways to care for yourself can make this period a little easier.
1. Try the "Dual Process" Approach to Grief
New research on grief highlights the Dual Process Model, which suggests that alternating between grief and daily life is essential for emotional recovery. Rather than focusing solely on mourning, it is beneficial to allow moments of relief and normalcy.
Set aside time for “grief-free” moments where you engage in activities that bring comfort or distraction, such as watching a comforting show, spend time with loved ones, or focus on a hobby.
This isn’t avoiding grief, but rather giving your heart and mind a break.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to laugh, feel joy, or engage in daily life. Your loved one would want you to keep living.
2. Create a "Grief Container" for Meaningful Items
Sorting through a loved one’s belongings can be overwhelming, and there is no right or wrong time to do it. If you’re not ready to make decisions immediately, creating a grief container can be a helpful strategy.
Choose a box or special space to store meaningful items, like letters, photos, or clothing.
Having a dedicated place lets you revisit memories when you feel ready, rather than all at once.
When the time comes, go through these items with care, deciding which ones to keep, donate, or repurpose in a meaningful way.
Moving Forward (Not "Moving On")
Grief doesn’t disappear, it changes over time. Rather than trying to “move on,” think of it as carrying love and memories forward in a new way.
1. Maintain a Connection with Your Loved One
Many people find comfort in continuing a bond with the person they lost. In fact, modern grief research supports the idea that maintaining a connection with your loved one rather than trying to "get over" them can be a more comforting and sustainable way to heal.
Instead of letting go, you can keep their presence alive in your own way.
Write letters to them, expressing your thoughts and emotions.
Keep up traditions they loved, like cooking their favourite meal or celebrating special dates.
Talk to them out loud. Some people find comfort in speaking to their loved ones as if they were still there.
This process, known as "continuing bonds," allows you to cherish their memory while still moving forward in life.
2. Look for Meaning in Your Loss ("Post-Traumatic Growth")
Though grief is painful, many people find it shapes them in meaningful ways. This is called post-traumatic growth. Where loss leads to a new perspective on life.
Deeper appreciation for life. Many people find they cherish relationships and simple moments more after experiencing a loss.
Stronger connections. Some people build deeper bonds with family, friends, or support network.
New sense of purpose. Some individuals honour their loved ones by volunteering, advocating, or creating something in their memory (such as writing, art, or charitable work).
It’s important to note that this this transformation does not diminish the pain of loss but rather allows space for growth and resilience during sorrow.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone
Grief is unpredictable and deeply personal, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Support from friends, therapy, or grief groups can make the journey less isolating. If you're struggling, remember:
Grief isn’t a problem to be fixed, but an experience to be carried with kindness and care.
Give yourself patience, kindness, and understanding. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting, it means learning to carry your loss with strength and grace.
